Itchy Brighton article

Tossing about with Modern Toss

A conversation not for the faint of heart

Being big fans of Modern Toss’ filth, we jumped at the chance to ask creators Jon and Mick a few questions.

Itchy: Were planning a dinner party with a few friends and want to make sure its a memorable evening. We were wondering if Alan had any tips for us...

J&M: The key to a good dinner party is preparation, you don't want to be stuck in the kitchen making a fucking salad when it all starts kicking off. Plan it all out the night before, rope/shovels/petrol – all the basics – and then you can sit back and enjoy what should be an evening to remember.

Itchy: If you could set the Drive By Abuser on any celebrity, who would you pick, and what might he say?

J&M: He had a few choice words prepared for Noel Edmonds, but due to the relentless success of Deal or no Deal he was unable to get within 50 yards of him.

Itchy: We're currently thinking about covers for our 2008 range of city guidebooks. Would Mr Tourette have any recommendations?

J&M: Foreign Shit Leaflet (with map).

Itchy: There’s a lot of anti-dog feeling in Modern Toss. Do you hate dogs? Did you have a traumatic childhood experience with one? How would you kill Lassie if you had the chance?

J&M: The views expressed in Modern Toss are not necessarily those of the authors, but have you ever caught the stink coming off a farmyard at four in the morning? I can't believe something hasn't been done about it. I think you'll find Lassie is dead already. Old age did that one.

Itchy: Did the doctors ever sew Seawalker's legs back on, or his he still lying fucked on that beach?

J&M: We sowed one of them back on, but then we couldn't find a wheelchair for him to fit, so we had to cut it off again, now he's getting disability benefits.

Itchy: Modern Toss has translated splendidly from comics to the small screen. Any plans for a big movie deal?

J&M: We are currently in talks to develop Customer Services for a US release, Catherine Zeta Jones will be behind the desk taking all the calls and Michael Douglas will walk on covered in his own piss, looking a bit angry.

Itchy: We love a cheeky tab of an evening, but we're also allergic to the outside. Has Crafty Smoker got any tips for getting round this blasted smoking ban?

J&M: 12 inch duct piping.

Itchy: We sometimes have letters of complaint from venues who don’t like the fact that we’ve been rude about them. How can we make these people feel bad about themselves?

J&M: Send an orphan round with a plate of biscuits to apologise.

Itchy: Were putting together a Christmas gift page. Has Prince Edward, Royal Entrepreneur got any products he thinks might be suitable for our readership?

J&M: Prince Andrew Back Hair Toothbrush (Firm), Princess Anne Front Teeth Window Ice Scraper, Queen Mum's Kidney Stone Chess Set (available in different colours – all 22 pieces).

Itchy: If the whole Illegal Alphabet (all 26 letters) got together one day, what sort of word would they spell.

J&M: We've found out that unless the 'u' turns up we can spell anything.

Itchy: Our Gran recently watched five minutes of Modern Toss, and was so shocked she died of a heart attack, right. What’s your policy on that?

J&M: That can happen Channel 4 are dealing with 50 similar enquiries

Itchy: Shall we shut up and piss off now?

J&M: Yeah, cheers, Jon 'n' Mick.

Series one of Modern Toss is out on DVD now. Click here to win a copy.

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