Itchy Brighton article

How to cheat in style

Playing away the proper way

Cheating gets a bad press. All too often it’s the preserve of late nights in nasty clubs, blanketed in the reek of stale fag ash and Lynx. All thoughts of your faithful other half are banished from your mind as you lick the sugary moss of your 14th alcopop off your teeth and lunge towards some horror who you wouldn’t touch with a cattle prod if it wasn’t the stage of the night where closing one eye makes you feel strangely sober.It’s just not cool.

Now it’s not that Itchy’s condoning this sort of behaviour, but we just reckon that if you’re going to do something then it’s always worth doing properly. Watch any film or read any book about infidelity and it all sounds so much more glamorous than the sordid reality. All it takes is a little planning.

Here’s Itchy’s guide to infidelity:

First of all, there’s the environment. You can go two ways with this. You could opt for somewhere light and airy, impressive and posh, like a rooftop bar or somewhere with long glass windows where you can watch the twinkling lights of the city reflected in your piece of mischief’s eyes. Part of the point of this is also that it should be the sort of ruinously high-budget place you would normally never go, so as to avoid any knowing looks from the bar staff on more legitimate visits. The music should be chilled, electronic and probably with a female singer. It should never have been written in the 1980s. NO, NOT EVEN IF IT’S KYLIE.

Alternatively you might plump for somewhere more intimate, underground, with dim lighting, jazz and a haze of swirling smoke that you can imagine is the product of Gauloise brunes rather than Lambert and Butler. Anything which impairs the vision of anyone you might know sitting at nearby tables is a good thing.

Restaurants are ok, providing the cuisine is chic. Something achingly fashionable like sushi is fine (provided you know how to eat it), but anything messy (noodles and pasta, for example) or spicy (that bright red face with eyes and nose streaming is unlikely to enhance your natural charm) should be avoided. What someone who has been going out with you for two years and someone you met two days before will forgive are after all very different things.

And Italian may be the language of love, but parmesan smells of sick, so don’t even think about it.

A bar seems an altogether safer option, though even here, careful consideration is needed. Beverages should be refined and, while strong enough to lower inhibitions, they should also be slow enough to stop you ending up leant up against the wall in the wrong toilet after an hour and a half. It would be a shame for your date to have to take you home in a state and stand in the living room gossiping with your boy/girlfriend about where exactly you’ve been.
 
Unless it’s from Belgium and comes in a very small bottle, beer is out. Wine is sexy but dangerous (ah, how thoshe bottlesh just shlip down, hic…), while doubles of spirits on the rocks (whiskey or rum for boys, Amaretto or vodka for girls) sipped slowly will do the job admirably. For both sexes, classic martinis are good, and best of all, you can raise your eyebrows suggestively at your partner in infidelity as you ask for it ‘dirty’ (with a dash of olive brine).

From here, we’re afraid, you’re on your own, but at least you’ll have a starter for ten. Who knows, after all that effort if you get lucky you might begin to forget those pangs of guilt for the poor devil you’ve left back at your flat, watching the Bo Selecta DVD with a pizza and half a bottle of the wine they bought for last night’s anniversary dinner.

Because if you’re going to have a bit on the side then it might as well be a big bowl of chunky chips with spicy relish rather than some soggy lettuce leaves and a couple of strands of the waitress’s hair…

BATH

Sub 13
4 Edgar Buildings,
BA1 2EE
(01225) 466 667,
Mon–Sat. 11am–11pm –
‘an atmosphere of exclusivity and privacy in a fairly small space.  Underground location makes it ideal’.

Belvedere Wine Vaults
25 Belvedere
  Lansdown Road
BA1 5ED
(01225) 330 264
Mon–Sat, 5pm–11pm; Sun, 12pm–10.30pm
‘the lighting here is delicate to say the least’.

BIRMINGHAM

The Sunflower Lounge
76 Smallbrook Queensway
B5 4EG
(0121) 632 6756
Mon– Thu, 12pm–11pm; Fri, 12pm–1am; Sat, 12pm–2am
‘slightly further off the beaten track, about as far away from broad street geographically and ideologically as you can get’.

The Bucklemaker
30 Mary Ann Street
B3 1RL
(0121) 200 2515
Mon–Fri, 12pm–3pm & 6pm–11.30pm
‘a cosy restaurant in a converted wine cellar.’

BRISTOL

Cyrano’s Wine Bar
The Old Granary
Queen Charlotte Street
BS1 4HQ
(0117) 930 7162
Mon–Thu, 12pm–11pm; Fri–Sat, 12pm–2am; Sun, 12pm–10.30pm
‘stashed away where very few people are going to find it’

The Watershed Cinema
1 Cannons Wharf
BS1 5TX
(0117) 927 6444
Mon–Fri, 11am–11pm; Sat, 10am–11pm; Sun, 10am–10.30pm
‘a nice little artsy cinema, tucked away from the world’s prying eyes. Or should that be vue’.

CARDIFF

Whispers
Guildhall Place
CF10 1EB
(029) 2034 4511
Mon–Thu, 11.45am–11pm; Fri–Sat, 11.45am–2am; Sun, 12pm–12am.
‘hopefully this place will outprice anyone you know, just hope it doesn’t bankrupt you as well’.

Incognito
28 Park Place
CF10 3BA
(029) 2041 2190
Mon–Wed & Sun, 12pm–12am; Thu–Sat, 12pm–2am
‘it’s more the name than anything else really, let’s hope it rubs off’.

EDINBURGH

Milnes
35 Hanover Street
EH2 2PJ
(0131) 225 6738
Mon–Thu, 10am–12am; Fri–Sat, 10am–1am; Sun, 12.30pm–12am
‘like any number of basement bars on Hanover Street. Anonymity is key’.

Medina
45-47 Lothian Street
EH1 1HB (0131) 225 6313
Mon–Sat, 9am–am; Sun, 10am–3am
dingy and a bit smelly, worth it if you can bags a cave for you and your forbidden love to hide in.

GLASGOW

Nice’n’Sleazy
421 Sauchiehall Street
G2 3LG
(0141) 552 8681
Mon–Sat, 11.30am–12am; Sun, 12.30pm–12am
‘nice’n’sleazy is exactly how you’ll feel’.

LEEDS

Hyde Park Picturehouse
Brudenell Road
LS6 1JD
(0113) 275 2045
‘feels like being in a 1960s Soho porn cinema. Let’s hope your attempt at having your cake and eating it doesn’t pan out like Robert de Niro’s with Cybil Shepherd’.

Mook
Hirst’s Yard
LS1 6NJ
(0113) 245 9967)
Sun–Thu, 4pm–12am; Fri–Sat, 12pm–2am
‘tucked away down a grimy back alley, this place is surprisingly chic’.

LIVERPOOL

Dragon Bar
48 Berry Street
L1
(0151) 709 8879
Mon­–Sat, 12pm–11pm, Sun, 12pm–10.30p
. ‘Liverpool’s best kept secret, cosy and intimate, let’s hope no one spills the beans about this perfect lover’s retreat’.

Marquee
Fowlers Building
9 Victoria Street
L2 5QA (0151) 227 2127
Mon, 12pm–6pm; Tue–Sat, 12pm–2am
‘with dark wood and red lighting, this place is reminiscent of a bond villain’s lair, you won’t help but feel exotic and glamorous, and, more importantly, that slight frisson of risk’.

LONDON

Vertigo
25 Old Broad Street
EC2N 1HQ (020) 7877 7842, Mon–Fri, 12pm–3pm & 5pm–10pm. Bank tube. ‘Reservations are obligatory, but this bar atop London’s tallest building will lend a touch of class to any night.’

Ripe Tomato, 7 All Saints Road
W11 1HA
(020) 7565 0525
Mon–Sat, 7pm–11.15pm; Sun, 6.30pm–10.30pm
Notting Hill Gate Tube
‘a real lady and the tramp style Italian, with a cosy and candlelit  interior. One of the best places if you’re looking to impress’.

MANCHESTER

The Temple of Convenience
Great Bridgewater Street
M1 5JW (0161) 228 9834
Mon–Sun, 4pm–11pm
‘Dark and dingy, this bar is situated in what used to be an underground public convenience. Seedy.’

Le Mont
Level 5 and 6 Urbis
M4 3BG
(0161) 605 8282
Mon–Fri, 12pm–2.30pm & 7pm–10.30pm; Sat, 7pm–10.30pm
‘fine dining at a high altitude. It’s expensive and high up. Enough said.’

NOTTINGHAM

B-bar
34-38 Heathcoat Street
NG1 3AA
(0115) 959 9800,
Mon-Thu, 5pm-11pm; Fri & Sat, 5pm-1.30am
‘small, sophisticated, open late and slightly off the beaten track’.

Market Bar
16-22 Goose Gate
NG1 1FF
(0115) 959 9777
‘an underground club with soft lighting and leather sofas galore’.

SHEFFIELD

Muse
149 West Street
S1 4EW
(0114) 278 8288
Mon–Sun, 12pm–1am
‘A little cave of a bar with shadowy pockets of seating hidden away in many different corners’

Crystal
22-32 Carver Street
S1 4FS
(0114) 272 5926
Mon–Sat, 12pm–1.30am; Sun, 8.30pm–12am/1am.
‘The swankiest and most expensive bar in town’.

Comments

Hey, I thought this was pretty entertaining. ~lisa
- Eric Zimmermann from Dallas on 01/02/2007 -

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