December events in London

'Tis the season to frantically circle department stores, get high on the noxious fumes of celebrity-branded perfumes and try to decide which bland, shiny tie is least likely to inspire your teenage cousin to become a recruitment consultant.

However, at Itchy, we will be shopping in style this Crimbo. Who cares what our family wants? We're going to shop where it's enjoyable.

Firstly, by heading to Jumble and Pearl Vintage Sale on the 6th December. Now, this is shopping the way it should be: cocktails, DJs, the stylish surrounds of Albert and Pearl on Upper Street (www.albertandpearl.com) and best of all, vintage designer labels galore to sift through.

After that, if there are any stray uncles for whom we've not found spats, or aunties for whom we need a moth-eaten stole, Alfie's Antiques Market (www.alfiesantiques.com) is a sure-fire bet, closely followed up by Paul's Emporium of dusty, old, weird stuff (not it's official name, but endearing nonetheless - www.paulsemporiumlondon.com). Nothing like a taxiderm-ed badger to put the willies up Aunty Bett.

When all the enforced generosity is done and dusted, it's time to put on our glad rags, being very careful that they co-ordinate well with bowling shoes (harem trousers are right out) and heading to the brand-spanking new All Star Lanes on Brick Lane (www.allstarlanes.co.uk/bricklane).

We're pretty sure chucking a few bowling balls down the lane is roughly equivalent to an hour or so on the treadmill (right?), which is why we feel completely guilt-free about following it up with some balls of a different type – steaming Dim Sum dumplings to be precise.

We've recently discovered that The Aroma on Shaftsbury Avenue (www.thearoma.co.uk) does the little morsels for half-price at lunchtime, which doesn't mean we'll be spending any less, but we will be eating twice as many.

All good fuel for doing the traditional London festive must-dos with the parents like skating at Somerset House (www.somersethouse.org.uk), watching kids vomit from a great height at Hyde Park's Winter Wonderland (www.hydeparkwinterwonderland.com) and seeing a fully-naked woman pull a silk hanky from her snatch at La Clique cabaret at the Hippodrome (www.lacliquelondon.com)... It'll make dad's Christmas anyway.

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